you're it

One very awesome detail I failed to mention about the night of the 3rd Grade Winter Concert actually happened afterwords, during a chance conversation in the parking lot.

There's a young boy in Hayden's grade-- from a different class-- who has befriended him this year. I had been hearing about J & was finally able to meet him on Halloween.

Side note, speaking of Halloween-- shame on me for not blogging about Hayden's awesomeness in the school parade! And his UPS costume was the biggest hit! Complete with his hand truck of boxes... playfully addressed to all of his favorite dudes from TV:

The Counting Cars box was purposely, prominently displayed at the top to satisfy Hayden's last-minute change of mind. You see, after his UPS "costume" was all set--(it's real, thanks to Aunt Dana who was able to get it from a friend & former coworker--)  Hayden decided he wanted to be Danny instead (from Count's Kustoms).

It was then that I got the idea for Hayden to pretend to be shipping to Danny, & that might be a way to incorporate The Count into H's costume... without having to change his costume. I eventually thought why not just add boxes for all of his favorite guys from TV! Furthermore, the following week or so after Halloween, I emailed Count's Kustoms to share a couple of pics with them. They loved hearing about H's costume & sent him a whole bunch of stuff in the mail! T-shirt, keychains, magnets, tattoos, stickers... the works!

Awesome-est Halloween ever.

So anyway, as I was saying Halloween also allowed me a chance to meet H's new friend J. He is adorable & very sweet. Fast-forward a little more than a month later to the night of the 3rd Grade Winter Concert. We're in the parking lot heading back to the car after, & we see Hayden's new friend. Then I noticed who he was walking with & I recognized his mom! Both of us are volunteers on a local Foundation, but neither one of us realized who the other one was.

After a very funny reciprocal exchange of "I didn't know you were his Mom!" ... we were thrilled to have "met" & put the pieces together.

So it turns out that J's birthday was actually coming up. His party was scheduled in just a couple of weeks. The thing is... it is inexplicably important to help shape friendships with H's same-age peers & encourage his inclusion in activities-- particularly ones outside of school-- are immeasurably beneficial to Hayden's growth & development. All birthday parties are a great opportunity for Hayden in general, because he is very social by nature. But at this age there are also fewer of them. So needless-to-say we were SO EXCITED to get the invite-- especially with this one being a birthday party for his new buddy J.

There are some things I would have to think about ahead of time, though. For example, Hayden tends to eat at atypical times & his meals throughout the day are extremely important for helping to balance his mood (not to mention, getting medication in). But it turns out for this particular party, that wouldn't be all...

I took a closer look at the invite & saw the words: Laser Tag Party.

(Insert imaginary sound of Pac-Man dying.)


Try to imagine how a toddler might react to a dark room, with blinking & glowing lights, very loud sounds, & people who are wearing combat-style gear running around, while aiming dangerous-looking objects at one another. And try to imagine how you would explain to the toddler, that this is just for fun. 

Now imagine that the toddler is the size of a 9 year old, has a tough time with transitions, needs to understand a beginning & an end, how long something will take, & has difficulty regulating sensory input. In other words, they have sensory processing disorder which could range from causing them to overreact, under-react, simply become fixated, or potentially not notice something at all. This also includes difficulty with food textures, by the way.


But never mind the refreshments menu, how would their brain interpret an environment such as laser tag? What behavior might the child exhibit if the environment was just too much? Not to mention how might other kids react to this behavior?

As parents to a very unique child our anxiety was certainly heightened over this one. We didn't know what to do. Bring him? Keep him home? Try to participate for just a portion of the party? Would that be rude? It was also about a half hour away which wasn't helping. Yes it's true for many children with special needs that the more you expose them to, the better their chances for enjoying different situations. But that being said it is equally crucial to approach such situations with close care & careful planning.

Otherwise it could be a complete disaster.

It just so happens that the local Foundation I volunteer with-- which J's mom is also a member of-- usually meets monthly. We had one more meeting coming up for 2014 & it was scheduled during the weeks in between the school concert & J's birthday party. Since I do not know his mom too-too well, I figured that I would just speak to her in person at the next meeting. This way I could explain a little bit about Hayden, & she could perhaps offer insight as far as how the party might be structured. Would it be play, food, & then more play? Or just an hour & a half of play & then food? Was it just laser tag or other activities too? We looked up the facility online & they offered a lot of choices.

That was it-- I was feeling better already-- I would just talk to her when I saw her. That seemed like the best approach & I felt good about it.

Well as luck would have it we got some bad weather & the next Foundation meeting was cancelled. Oddly, at this point, I just thought fuck it. I am going to bring Hayden to that party. He likes this kid, this kid likes my kid, & we liked that kid, too! Shouldn't that be enough? (Of course in the back of my mind I'm thinking what if this doesn't work out... what's worse... coming up with a polite lie to not bring Hayden or Hayden going to the party & potentially _____ ... who knows... it's like fill-in-the-blank. Really.)

I talked about it with my family & votes were tied for bringing him vs not bringing him. So much for that being helpful.

There is one other thing-- hard to explain, but important to mention-- about the lasers. They of course look like guns & are pointed at people the same way. When Hayden is feeling overwhelmed it may turn into being upset or angry or both. One of his unfortunate new habits when this happens involves not only curse words, but also putting his hands together & "appropriately" pointing his fingers to mimic a gun. This is usually accompanied by phrases which Hayden knows have something to do with guns, & what these weapons result in. (Let's just leave it at that.) But the last thing we need is Hayden misinterpreting a game of tag as people acting out in a mean way towards one another.  

I could go on & on about this dilemma but in my heart I really just wanted to allow Hayden an opportunity to have fun with familiar kids. My fears remained present, but that's not what it came down to-- the socialization is. We waited until just a couple days beforehand, if that, to even tell Hayden about the party in the first place. This way he had some time to let it simmer, but not too much time that we would constantly have to explain when it was coming up. 

Hayden was in a good mood when the day of the party arrived & he was so excited for it. Like I said the place was about a half hour away-- not so much because of the mileage but rather due to traveling on several county roads to get there. (We are near a major highway that runs east/west, but not north/south... so those directions sometimes take longer from where we are.) #country

Mind you we are driving through areas with a lot more land than homes & at about half way there when we came to a crossing, Hayden saw a parking lot a short distance away with a whole bunch of cars (it was just a church with a lower roof line). I remember he asked if that was the party-- I'm sure he was wondering where the heck we were going. You have to remember this is a kid from school, so I think Hayden expected we'd be in the car 5 - 10 minutes. I guess they chose this place because we don't really have a similar venue near us. (There are party facilities in the area-- we're not completely in the middle of nowhere-- but no laser tag.)

Hayden was one of the last to arrive at J's party but in this particular instance that was absolutely fine. From the moment he hurried into the party room-- seriously, he was so eager I think he was skipping-- I heard a bunch of kids greet him & I knew we made the right decision.

When it was time to start the laser tag they had to first write their names on little score cards (I didn't realize this at first). J very kindly & patiently went over to H & showed him where to write his name. Hayden proceeded to draw one of the most deliberate & controlled letter H's I have ever seen him make. It was his typical crooked-style & had an extra vertical line... but I'll tell ya right now I don't think I could have possibly been any more proud. I snuck right next to him for a second, told him he did a great job, & said I would plug in the rest (which I did, adding the a-y-d-e-n). J saw me do this, but I don't know that he thought anything of it.

So next up they would gather in the little area outside of the laser tag room where the kids get suited-up, & also instructed.

I waited in the observation room (with the window) with some of the other moms, & Dan went to make sure that H was ready to start. One of the instructors knew to kind of keep an eye on H-- as did J's dad-- so for the most part, he was in there without us for practically the entire first half of laser tag play. If you can make out the one adult & two kids in the pic below, H is the blurry kid-figure on the right (J to his left):

There was a break in between the two sessions & the kids had pizza, which was perfect. For round two some of the dads joined in as well-- H's father included, of course. After the games were done they took a group pic & I don't even know how to put into words how awesome this felt for this mama <3 (Hayden is bottom-left, green top:)

So aside from one tiny thing that happened right before ice cream cake was served, everything was basically perfect. We just had a little moment of (probably) overwhelming-ness catching up with H... & when J was taking a birthday picture with his parents & siblings... our son was sort of photobombing... but not exactly in a cute way. I think Hayden was sort of confused-- may have felt like his participation in the picture was expected of him-- the same way we encouraged him to not run away before the group shot was taken. Not sure. But J & his family were unbelievably cool about it. Could not have been nicer & more understanding.

It all ended well. Hayden didn't really touch his piece of cake, which was completely expected, but he moved it around a little with the fork :). That was still participating as far as I was concerned!

The last activity-- (very busy party--) was video games! At that point we were ready to exit, & so was H, but the birthday boy was beyond thrilled to receive extra tokens that Hayden would not be using. So it was all good!

I did end up getting a cute shot of the two of them :) I am trying to keep this somewhat anonymous so in lieu of actually sharing that photo, I will leave you with a description of an adorable kid, hands in his pockets, wearing a casual closed-mouth smile, standing in front of bright bluish-purple wall, with an enormous "Happy Birthday" sign above his head, & turned slightly towards my son who is standing right next to him.

That is the image I am left with.


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stage smile

This blog post has been brewing in my mind since I put my head on my pillow last Thursday evening,  but sharing my update got delayed due to computer issues this weekend. 

Anyway when I went back to review all of the pictures from the 3rd Grade Winter Concert, I came across one in particular which pretty much summed it up for me. 

Two years ago was the first time H was in a school concert, as a first grader. He did well in music class but as soon as they rehearsed in the gym on the risers, his participation regressed. Not that he was necessarily singing along-- or mouthing the words for that matter (even though he knew the songs)-- but at least in music class he was happy & enthusiastic, & participating with some of the movements & a few select words or phrases. 

Therefore that particular year they invited me for one the practice days, because we all knew if H joined the other kids it might only be without the big audience of the concert night. After all, the 1st Grade Spring Concert is actually combined with 2nd Grade so it would be a lot of people. 

I remember arriving at the school for one of the rehearsals & the adorable ladies in the front office kindly hid me in a supply closet (for real), so H would not catch me through the window as the students were walking by. 

Someone had clued me in to the fact that H had already gotten slightly upset & actually threw up a little bit. When the episode subsided, they gave him something to fidget with & he was a little better. 

But long story short, sitting (not standing) on the end of the risers beside his Aide is as far as his participation went that day:

2013 Spring Concert Rehearsal

I was not complaining! I didn't even know if he would make it off the gym floor & I was very proud of him for being up there & facing the big room. 

The night of the actual concert we somehow convinced him to get in the car & go to the school-- we said we were only stopping by to watch for a little bit & then we would come home. We were careful not to place any expectations on him. But once we were there, we had a little mini miracle & his Aide just sort of led him on the risers... let go of his hand... & he stood! Here he is clapping to a 2nd grader from the special ed program:

2013 1st & 2nd Grade Spring Concert

To say I was beaming with pride is a complete understatement. 

2014 was a little bit better-- as a 2nd grader, the concert would be similar to the year before with both combined grades again. Furthermore, 2nd graders actually go on first so less wait time was definitely making things look optimistic. 

And he did it. He stood on the end closest to the exit (for both sets), but he was up there. And he was proud!

2nd Graders at 2014 Spring Concert

He made it through the whole concert! 

2014 1st & 2nd Grade Spring Concert

One of our main concerns for this year, despite his continued progress, was the timing. Even though the 3rd graders have their own concert, so from a crowd standpoint fewer people would be better, a 7:30 start time on a cold, Thursday night when it's pitch black outside-- not to mention only about an hour shy of when Hayden is usually in bed-- would not be working in our favor. 

However, with his entourage of six (grandparents included) he was a little more motivated & up to the task. We came awfully close to a meltdown though, because he wanted to wear a tie at the last minute & I did not have one. We tried one of Dan's but it looked quite silly because we couldn't match anything up. So we left it on for a couple minutes to hopefully satisfy Hayden since he wasn't letting it go, & then finally (thank goodness) he agreed to remove it. 

His arrival at school was ultimately perfect-- he skipped right in! Literally. 

When they waited in the classroom before it started, though, it was evident he was getting sleepy. He also wore his "tired" throughout most of the concert. 

BUT 

He was up there-- (completely opposite the exit this year, too--) & he did his thing! 

2014 3rd Grade Winter Concert

No stage fright. Nada. 

Stage smile, though? Yes. 

This picture does the rest of the writing for me. This right here is what progress looks like.

At the conclusion of the concert he hugged a couple of the kids near him... shook hands with the music teacher... got an arm around him from the Principal... & last but certainly not least, as students were exiting the building, there were at least a couple of them who stopped to tell Hayden that he did great. 

-- 

sammie

The Story of Sammie

We have discussed getting a dog for a couple years now because I do miss having one, & we've always felt he/she would be great for Hayden. But I was equally concerned about the expense & the extra work. We always had a dog growing up but Dan did not, & he certainly didn't want Hayden to grow up uncomfortable around dogs too. Then while I was pregnant with Hayden, my sister's dog Harlee lived with us for about a year-- that experience pretty much converted Dan to a dog lover.

Harlee was a big black lab with an even bigger personality (albeit a great one, most of the time :) ). The two things I remember most about her, was how she absolutely loved the water-- like a magnet to it-- & for better or worse, she was very food motivated. Jenna got her after college, & Harlee was still around up until Hayden was 5, but we're not sure that he truly remembers her except for us telling him & showing him pictures. Hayden was fine around Harlee even though she was no longer under our roof by the time he was born, but then again she was here before him & also developmentally he was not exactly "5".

The other reason why I'm not so sure Hayden actually remembers Harlee, is that I can't think of a single dog he hasn't been afraid of.

That aside, Hayden is also becoming increasingly aware of the growing developmental gap between himself & his same-age peers... & coupled with his age there are going to be a lot of changes in the recent years ahead. Now more than ever is an ideal time to help build his confidence, his sense of responsibility, but also curb some of that anxiety while preserving his sociability. That is something I would never want to be compromised by any of the aforementioned-- Hayden's engaging personality has always been one of his greatest strengths. 


As everyone probably knows by now, a hound mix named Sammie officially joined our family about a week & a half ago. Our short journey to adopt her actually began with a different dog-- a chocolate lab puppy. We planned to file adoption applications with various rescue agencies, but this one light-eyed cappuccino-colored guy tugged at our hearts from the first picture. He was described as friendly & goofy but in need of basic training (not that he reminded me of anyone).

I don't even think a full day passed from the time we completed our application to the time it was approved-- with references & all. But after we inquired about the chocolate lab, we would have a week until our meet & greet with him. So in the interim we also inquired about two other dogs, both females who were fully trained & slightly older. However, one of them already had several families interested & I did not want to be third or fourth on a list. The other one would not be ready for adoption until after the new year (she was still out of state & undergoing treatment for something minor).

The day we met the chocolate lab we purposely arranged to get to the adoption center early, so there would be less people & fewer dogs... vs the day when we stopped there to fill out the application in the first place, & it was much more crowded & therefore entirely too overwhelming for Hayden.

But unfortunately the little lab who acted just like the puppy he was, was just too much for Hayden anyway. He would not go within several yards of that puppy. After speaking with the people at the adoption center who also witnessed Hayden's reaction, they asked us if we knew about Sammie.

Long story short, within the hour Sammie's foster arrived so we could meet her. The next thing I know Dan was picking up food, dog bowls, a bed... & I was writing a check.

From the moment that Hayden & Sammie met, he not only walked right up to her but calmly accepted her leash. Within minutes he started walking her through the store towards the exit! I still get choked up when I look at these pictures, & may not have believed it if I hadn't been there to see it with my own eyes.

They sat next to each other on the way home, & that was that.

So, a little background on Sammie...

They believe "Sammie Sweetie" (we dropped the middle name) was born in 2008. Based on her paperwork it appears her first home was in Georgia. Originally the rescue agency thought she was 5, going on 6 soon, but there was also a good 8-month discrepancy in her birth date between the papers from Georgia & NJ. After taking a closer look it appears she is already 6, because of the date she was supposedly spayed.

Sammie was probably with her first owner (in Georgia) for about four years, & it appears that person just didn't want her anymore-- nothing really negative was reported though. We do know after Sammie came to NJ, she was with a family who gave her up after having a baby. They claimed that Sammie growled at the infant, but the foster did not see a shred of bad behavior (nor did the rescue agency when Sammie was in their care). One thing they explained to us is that sometimes the owners will lie to get out of the adoption-- sad, but it happens.

I can tell you that Sammie has met Flora & Gabriele, & she was wonderful around both of them.


Anyway, after some grooming :) & then being examined by a vet, we were told there is no reason to doubt that she has many good years ahead of her. By then Hayden will be a teenager & better equipped to handle the next dog (when the time comes)-- probably a younger puppy who could be around through his adulthood. We also feel relieved that Sammie has a permanent home now to live out her years. The only thing the vet said on a scale of 1 to 6-- 6 being the most severe-- was that Sammie may have a heart murmur rated 1. They believe it's probably from her teeth needing some attention, & the bacteria getting into her system. They explained how to care for her to improve the condition of her back teeth, & quite honestly if that's the worst of it then I'm grateful.

Although, Hayden's reaction to her had me sold anyway. Even before he started walking Sammie around the store (telling everyone who stopped to pet her, "That's my dog" <3 )... he was practically begging... asking me over & over again to confirm that she was our dog & we were going to take her home... & then hugging me & thanking me... & then perseverating again for reassurance... & more hugging... (you get the idea)

She is such a sweet lady & has many traits that remind me of my beloved Sugar (our second dog from my childhood). With the exception of being camel-colored & not black, nearly everything else about Sammie is familiar-- from her disposition, to the white on her chest, to the beauty mark on her tongue.

Like I said, it's only been about a week & a half but so far Sammie has made her way into our hearts about as quickly as she made her way into our home.   

                     
                  The End Beginning.

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