Clouds, May 2010

Clouds, May 2010

Friday, August 15, 2014


Hayden prefers music with pep so I am guessing he would not love this song. But when I listened to it a second (& third & fourth) time the lyrics made me think of him. 

Ben Howard, Depth Over Distance

It's a love song that hardly has anything to do with the love between a parent & a child. However, it is still about a bond between two people & in a broader sense the meaning is just as profound. 

This was the background music of a beautiful yoga video circulating on social media last week (it was published back in 2013). The youtube video is of a man & a woman performing acroyoga (yoga + acrobatics) along a waterfront. It is completely mesmerizing. It is a moving visual of strength, balance, & grace. And all I thought about the first time I heard the song, were these two gorgeous human beings because that's what was in front of me.

But when I step back, as with most things in my life, all thoughts eventually lead to Hayden. Most of what I see, hear, & experience-- at some point-- redirects me to how would Hayden react? Whether or not he would enjoy it... if I try something new, or learn something new... it could be a movie... an idea from a book... a conversation... a place... 

(If he saw those two people doing that, specifically, to be honest he'd probably say that's weird & then move on.)
But back to the song & why Depth Over Distance made me think of my H.

Not be a "buzzkill", but I am mildly terrified about how much inclusion & fulfillment he will have in life. To me it is blatantly obvious that his fx gene gets in the way of his ideas & interests. Often times, at the very least, the gene will interrupt Hayden. 
Occasionally it will stop him altogether. 

But something about this song... when I hear parts of it I feel-- yes, feel-- a different viewpoint. 

In the song I believe depth over distance refers to the relationship between two people. But out of context, depth over distance is exactly what I would hope for Hayden. Both would be ideal-- in terms of a long & fulfilled life-- but what good is a long life if it is not fulfilling?

I started to take a closer look at the lyrics...

Depth over distance every time my dear
And this tree of ours may grow tall in the woods
But it's the roots that will bind us here,
To the ground

For starters, the word depth makes me think of all the many layers of Hayden. My hope is that people allow themselves to see beyond the first one. I want nothing more than for Hayden to truly be able to reach for the sky. And for him to know that I will never not be with him.

And depth over distance was all I asked of you
And I may be foolish to fall as I do
There's strength in the blindness you fear
If you're coming too
If you're coming too

We are often afraid of what we can't see. But what if, instead, we draw strength from that-- if we allow ourselves to. Otherwise that not-knowing will scare us (I choose to see that as the foolish part, even though I am guilty of it)

So hold on; wait until that lone sun
Breaks from the arms of the Lord
Yeah hold on, though we may be too young
To know this ride we're on

Despite what we say or do, Hayden does most things when he is ready & not before. At the same time he often needs a visual cue to encourage him (which is exactly what that part about the sun makes me think of). One of the many interesting things about Hayden, is that he seems to understand when he doesn't know something. Therefore he is not fearless-- he is smart & he is cautious.

Oh depth over distance was all I asked of you
And everybody 'round here's acting like a stone
There's things I'd do, darling I'd go blind for you
If you let it grow sometimes, let it grow sometimes, let it grow
Just let it go sometimes

The only stones around Hayden are the people who do not have the depth that he does. Every day I try to help him truly see. On difficult days when I feel drained, I may feel like I lose a part of myself, but as long as he takes what he knows & does something with it... as long as his life has depth... that is all I would ever ask of him. So all those parts of myself are not lost after all, but rather they are passed on.


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