Clouds, May 2010

Clouds, May 2010

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I hate the word ignorance but I understand how it can be bliss

I was at my parents house yesterday, and H was playing with another little boy a few years younger than him. The other little boy started doing his "flippies"-- a sort of somersault roll, but with more ooomph. He would tuck his head, and then go into a semi-handstand, and let himself fall the rest of the way over. 

Hayden began mimicking him and he leaned forward with his hands on the ground, arms locked, tush in the air, and his legs straight... almost as if he was making a tunnel. He can not kick over, but I assisted him into a tumble. 

He wanted to do it by himself, so I let him be. After a couple of tries, these little stunts were causing his shirt to rise up a bit, and his shorts to slide slightly. I caught myself looking at the waistband of his pull-up. I wished I could magically freeze the room for a quick second, and tuck his shirt in. I noticed the other little boy was wearing a training pant, too. Again, he is several years younger than Hayden. 

At one point my Dad was on the couch with Hayden and he was tickling him. The same thing started to happen as he squirmed, and his clothes got all bunched so I could see the top of the pull-up. I wanted to leap across the room and tug his shirt back down. I was hoping to catch my father's eyes for a moment so I could pull my pants up to signal to him to do the same for Hayden.  

As quickly as I catch myself thinking these things, I also begin to feel guilty about it. I should never be self-conscious of my son and I hate that sometimes my mind starts to drift towards wanting to cover ANYTHING up. 

It's the same shallow emotion that has been preventing me from sharing this blog, except with the members of a closed Fragile X Facebook group. I do not personally know the majority of the people on that private Facebook page, so I'm not self conscious. Well, that, and they're obviously empathetic to what we go through.

Thank goodness Hayden doesn't think like me. I've said this more times than I can count: as long as that smile on his face never fades, neither should mine. 

Perhaps moving forward, I should force myself to share this blog with another person every week.

After all, what good is awareneXs if I'm not raising any?

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